Ten Ways A Father Can Provide Stability For His Child

1. Smoke lots of pot and consume other random drugs in seedy dive bars after hours. (This is a must) All parents should use illegal and controlled substances. It also helps if you are a 5 time convicted felon and have failed at least one random drug test from the Department Of Children and Families.

2. Be sure to take your child to school late or better yet not at all. Do not set alarms and do not get to bed at a decent hour so that you will be able to get up in the morning. That's just bad parenting.

3. Pull no call, no shows for parent teacher meetings. This will really show your child's teacher how much you care. Trust me on this one. The message you send by not showing up will be loud and clear.

4. Only date married women. Then, move the married woman into your home for you child to become attached to. This always works out well.

5. Get the married woman pregnant. Under no circumstances are you to discuss the growing belly with your child. That would be irresponsible.

6. When the pregnant, married woman moves out of your house DO NOT discuss this with your child. It is much better for he/she to wonder why this person just disappeared and where their stuff went. This will make your child feel very safe and secure.

7. When your child's mother figures out what has happened, deny everything. Better yet, lie to her and tell her the married woman is out of the picture and the child is not yours. That way, the mother can go sit the child down and tell him/her that this has nothing to do with him, there is no baby, it's all a big misunderstanding.

8. When you see your child, tell him/her that there is a baby and it is yours. This will help to confuse your child and make him/her wonder what the truth actually is. All of the best parents in the world do this.

9. Now that your child is nice and confused and totally unstable, you should really shake things up by suddenly moving far away for a period of time. This can only help things. Under no circumstances should you have an exact return date in mind. It would not be good for your child to know when to expect you back. Nothing good ever comes from that.

10. Now pat yourself on the back. You are a great dad. You are a real role model for your child.